Thursday, February 12, 2009

Billy's Favorite Retro Games! (Part 6 of 200)

The Magic Kingdom? Happiest place on earthTM, right? Yeah, sure, if you've never played Adventures in the Magic Kingdom before.

That's right, a NES cart from 1990 can easily substitute a trip to DisneyWorld...

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom is a Nintendo Entertainment System game developed by Capcom that follows the exploits of...well...YOU! Provided your name is less than eight letters long(sorry Archibald!) and you aren't female. It was the 8-bit era, so I suspect that it was considered too difficult or space intensive to program a female avatar, but they could have dropped some of those name letters to save some space! Come on, only three letters are needed, everyone knows you always brand your character and highscores in games with the classic three letter combo A-S-S.

Anyways, the goal of the game is to save the Magic Kingdom from missing the bi-hourly main street parade. It seems that Mickey in his infinite wisdom has forgotten the main gate key in Cinderalla Castle. Well, Gawrsh, Mickey. Just go get the damn key. Not so fast, apparently Cinderella Castle has more security than Guantanamo Bay. Mickey informs you that there are SIX keys needed to open the castle door.

Mickey, being the twisted monarch of the DisneyWorld, commands you to find a retrieve the keys. What he does not tell you to do is wear an outfit made entirely of khaki, but sadly you have no choice in the matter. Your character looks like Indiana Jones on laundry day with a big ass fedora.

So how does the heroic ASS save the Magic Kingdom from the shame of NO THREE O'CLOCK PARADE?! Well, by riding the rides of course! Autopia(or whatever the hell Disney is calling it these days) becomes a Bump 'N Jump clone, The Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean become totally awesome(and hard as balls) action platformers, Big Thunder becomes a multi-track runaway train and Space Mountain? It becomes a GODDAMNED TEN MINUTE QUICK TIME EVENT! If you think those QTE's are annoying now, just imagine them in the awesome low-fidelity of the NES.

And check out this totally badass virtual representation of the Magic Kingdom.

Green grass everywhere! Who knew Disney were such conservationists!

Imagine my surprise when I actually finally made it to the illustrious Magic Kingdom some years after playing this game and there were no actual pirates holding wenches hostage and the ghosts were cheesy holograms. Don't even get me started on Autopia.

Thankfully despite these disappointments until someone creates EPCOT Center Virtual Beers Around The World DisneyWorld still wins in the end.

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