Sunday, February 8, 2009

Billy's Favorite Retro Games (Part 5 of 200)

Originally written 9/8/06
Post for completion
Duh-Nuh, Duh-Nuh, Duh-Nuh

Today's retro game is another licensed game, but this time the game is pure crap! Crap, I says! Why do I love it? Well, it's based on a property that I absolutely fucking adore (see also: The Goonies) and it was also a game that my late Grandmother rented for me for my sixth birthday. What can I say, I'm a sentimental kind of guy.

So, just what is this game? I'm glad you asked, it's...Jaws!

JAWS! I love the tag line on the box, "This time there's no escape!" Yeah, except the fucking GROUND (or the power button if you wanna get technical). Anyways, this game is actually based on Jaws: The Revenge which is the movie known for a couple of things. 1. Sucking. 2. The reason why Michael Caine was not present to accept his Academy Award. 3. Sucking. 4. Having the greatest subtitle ever.

In the game you get to drive the boat around until you hit something...and then you swim around and kill innocent jellyfish and stingrays. You could always pretend that one of those stingrays was the one that killed the Crocodile Hunter...I guess, if you're into that stuff. Eventually JAWS will show up and then you have to spear him. But not until you build up your strength by collecting conch shells from dead jellyfish and stingrays. If this sounds boring, well truthfully it is. But it has JAWS!

That picture speaks volumes...stingrays, conch shells and JAWS! So, say you build your power up by slaughtering hundreds of sea creatures and you manage to sap JAWS of all of his over, right? Not so fast! You actually get to recreate the incredibly terrible finale sequence where Chief Brody's son Michael and Mario Van Peebles have to use a strobe light to coax JAWS out of the water and then stab him with a ship mast. Yeah. I know, fucking stupid.

Truth be told I've never been able to pass this particular sequence.

It actually looks much stupider than it's description, and amazingly enough it's actually stupider than the movie. I know, hard to believe.

That's it for this game...but first I will leave you a photo from my last vacation to florida.

Click photo for full size

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